Of Words and Fear

I’m a writer by choice and a novelist by trade. A wannabe poet and an artist at heart. Reading that first line, you would think I have no problems using my tongue, my mind, and my words to communicate with the people around me.

Well, Dear Reader, think again.

It happens unexpectedly, in the middle of a deep, philosophical or otherwise important conversation. I feel the need to respond, to speak my mind, to say something moving or relevant – but nothing comes. My jaw locks. My tongue seizes. Any sound that could have been made lodges in my throat and refuses to budge. At first it seems as though it is my mouth that refuses to work, but there are no words, no thoughts that coherently form in my mind. The link from my mind to my mouth seems cut, and I remain silent. My face takes on a blank, uninterested look and people assume I am distant and not listening.

Oh, how untrue that is!

But when I write, my thoughts flow like a stream. They bump and slide and twist through my mind, eager to be realized and manifested into words, phrases, poems, stories. They are alive and well and itching to be brought to fruition. I can speak my mind freely with a pencil in my fingers or a keyboard under my hands. Sometimes it becomes impossible to contain myself, and I must write or draw to express the emotions and feelings threatening to burst through my excited self.

I become alive with my thoughts, flowing with them, letting myself be pulled along the dreams and ideas like a branch being pulled down a stream. Sometimes, I forget my place and let them carry me too far. Other times, I become afraid, and I pull myself onto the shore before the stream takes me into unknown, uncharted territories. It is a journey, and an adventure, just to write and dream.

Then how can I have such an issue, making my thoughts known? How can it be so hard just to say a few words?

Fear.

I am afraid, to step off the known path of my thoughts and to share them with another person. To bare my soul, my essence, and leave it open for prying and prodding, for inspection and observation. I worry about what may be thought of me, of how I could be ridiculed and shamed for being myself. Of how my soul could be battered by some unthinking words.

But I should not be ashamed, because of that man who loved me so unreservedly as to let his life be ended for my sake. And how can I learn, if I do not subject myself to some form of pain from which to grow and learn? Without sacrifice, there can be little gain. Without falling, you can never pick yourself back up. You cannot be made stronger if you do not realize your weaknesses.

Perhaps if I am a bit more willing to fall, to fail, to be shown weak, I shall grow. My Savior will prove Himself strong in my weakness and failures, and to be used to show His glory in such a way is my heart’s greatest desire.

My Dream App...

                You’re late for school – again. You thought you had time for a quick run before you had to leave for school, but apparently you didn’t schedule correctly. After practically sprinting home, you barely had time to slap on some deodorant, grab your books, and speed off to class, tires squealing. Now, you’re stuck in class, all day, wearing your sweaty running clothes with your hair in a mess. It’s unfortunate you can’t just disappear – the last time you felt that way, you were in first grade. Brilliant.

                But fear not, dear student – you are not alone! Time management is something every student struggles with, myself included. Juggling activities between work, school, friends, and family can be tough, and it’s fairly common for students to neglect their sleep and food needs in order to make things happen.

                My dream app would be an app that allows you to plug in time slots for certain activities – activities like school, work, studying for that exam, and even sleeping and eating! Begin by plugging in what time you want to get up – for example, seven o’clock a.m. From there, it’s simple; you can get as detailed or un-detailed as you wish. If you want every second of your day to be spent doing something useful, give yourself five minutes to make your bed, five minutes to get dressed, and five minutes to feed your pets – make sure to turn on the alarm setting that causes your phone or iPod to alert you when you should be changing or getting ready to change activities. You can even customize your schedule day to day, week to week, or even month to month by accessing the calendar, where you can add special events and such.

                If you’re feeling lucky, you can go to the “Automatic selection” tab and simply plug in the activities you need to do in a day and give the app a certain amount of time you want to be spent on that activity. Tap the “Schedule” button and watch as the app arranges your activities, giving you time to sleep in, prepare healthy meals, and even a block of free time to spend doing whatever you want!

                The possibilities with this app are endless. You can customize your sleeping and eating times, class times, and even time slots labeled for extra-curricular activities. With the alarm setting you can make sure to be everywhere on time, including those parties you just can’t miss. Gone are the days spent scrambling for books, keys, purses and wallets and speeding through school zones.

                With this dream app, get ready to sleep as much as you need, study like you never have before, eat healthy, exercise, and kiss your tardiness goodbye!

This scholarship is sponsored by ATTSavings.com

Star Wars - more than a movie...

In the year 1977, George Lucas released the first of six movies that would shape culture like no film had ever done before. And it all started with that famous line, “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”

                My mother was six years old when the first Star Wars movie was played in theatres. She loves to tell us stories about her excitement when her parents took her to see the movie. Ever since then, our family has passed the joy and thrill of watching these timeless films over and over again.

                When Lucas created these films, did he intend to change society as much as he did? The story of Luke, a young boy living with his aunt and uncle, with no knowledge of who his real parents may be, is captivating – we instantly find ourselves pulled into his life. When greatness is suddenly thrust upon him, we watch, biting our nails, to see how he responds to the situations he finds himself in. The plot, characters, and settings provide a scope for the imagination that is hard to find elsewhere.

                But then we see the second half of the six-movie compilation that Lucas created; we see this innocent boy, Anakin, slowly transform into the villain he will become. In agony we see the small choices he makes and how they advance his deterioration into a monster that will haunt the universe.

                Lucas quickly and effortlessly captured the depravity of the human soul in six films. Our jealousy and passion for things we think we need can so easily drive us across the line that separates the good from the evil. The easiest choice is often the choice that will begin the process of degrading our moral values; if we are not willing to take the rough, rocky road and learn the lessons that it has to teach us, what have we become? Ever do we desire to take the smooth and straight path – we fear to injure ourselves on Life’s bumpy road. If we go the way Anakin went, trying to take the easier path, we will turn ourselves into naught but monsters.

                But fear not, humankind – the bumpy road is not nearly as hard as it seems! With the right attitude and outlook, you can go far. Determination is always better than riches or power, and hard work will take you farther than anything else.

This scholarship is sponsored by USDish.com

Coming Around

Life and death. Loss and gain.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.

The events of the last week here in Southern Oregon are proving of that statement; my dad got a new job. I got a new job – my first “official”job ever. And my dad has a chance at an even better job as I speak.

But we’ve lost. Oh yes, we’ve lost something that could never be replaced. And all of us – friends, family, distant friends – mourn for the life that we will miss so keenly. Some will miss it more than others. Much, much more.

None of this has taken God by surprise. It is just one more piece to the puzzle, one more step in a part of His plan to bring about His purpose. This doesn’t mean we can’t grieve – grieving is how we are to cope. We cannot be expected to shrug off the loss of a life. Grieving is encouraged –Matthew 5:4: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” It is how we pick ourselves back up, remembering what we have lost, but pressing onward anyways.

Our lives are but vapors. But let us be the strongest, most powerful vapors out there. We can be strong, through Christ who strengthens us. We can do ALL things through Him, and He is there for us.

And so begins the next chapter in the lives of the wonderful people I have grown to love, cherish, and call friends.

Loss...

Joshua Eddy.

I hardly knew you.

But, I know your sister fairly well. And I’ve talked to your brother more than I’ve talked to you. We joked about a lady with hair that reminded both of us of a poodle. You were talking with your hands one time and accidentally smacked me. You tried it again to see what’d happen and I slapped you right back – on your sunburn. You knew so much about cameras and photography, for which I looked up to you. Even so, I didn’t know you that well.

Then why does this hurt so much?

Because I know your family. Your sister. Your brothers. I know the people who know you. And I know how much they adored you. I know how they respected you and admired you. I know how dedicated your relationship with God is. I know how you seem to pour everything you have into your work.

I know.

Perhaps I don’t know much. Perhaps all I see is a snippet of your life – a snapshot, a photograph of your life taken by some amazing photographer. But it’s the most amazing photo ever, seen through a filter of God’s love, grace and mercy. The lighting is perfect, showing me things that I might never have seen in lesser light. The composition shows me a depth and love that could never be explained with words. There are certain things set up in the frame of your photo that suggest at the little things that I might have overlooked, if not for that second glance.

Josh.

You’ve inspired me. I don’t know how.  Leaning out over water, risking damage to your camera. Just for a good photo. I feel this drive, this need to go out. This need to love, live, give, grow, laugh, smile, and ooze the love of Christ.

Just like you did.

I hope God has a camera tucked away up in Heaven for you. Actually, you probably won’t need it – maybe, up in heaven, you can use words to paint a picture in the minds of others without even needing the photo.

Either way, Joshua Eddy, I know God is watching you. He is watching all of us. If you’re up in Heaven already, can you do me a favor?

Tell my Grandpa I said hi. His name’s Drake Noble.

Thanks – I really appreciate it. I wish I could have gotten to know you better. But instead, I’ll pour my life into the lives of others. Just like you did.

And my camera is going everywhere with me today.

Welcome!

I must admit, seeing as this is the first-ever post to this blog, this is more of a welcome to myself than anything :) This blog is a replacement of my Facebook; I figured the time I spend on Facebook would be better spent posting on a blog!

~Alex